I have that gut feeling, that something, somewhere is just not right. That 'train chut rahi hai' type feeling.
Why am I online when I'm supposed to be studying for my pre-boards which start tomorrow?
I honestly don't know.
Whatever I am doing, I am just not happy with it. No satisfaction. Nope. Not at all.
I used to put my heart, mind and soul into doing something earlier. I used to love what I was doing. I used to smile.
And now it is gone. I don't know how many days it has been since I've smiled. Smiled with my heart.
Last year, same time, I was jumping around shouting 'Yay, My birthday is 4 days away! Yay!!'. This year, I hardly feel anything. I'm like, 'Oh yeah, my birthday.' when my friends remind me that 31st is not far away.
Why?
What is wrong with me?
Somehow during these last few months, I've lost myself. I can't believe I am saying this. Or rather writing this. Maybe I am writing it here because I know no one I know personally is gonna read it. Because no one is gonna bother.
I was this very self-obsessed creature till '09. 'I love myself' was my favorite sentence and sometimes it also acted like a statement of self defense when I spent too much at the mall, or when I was accused of being selfish.
I no longer say it.
I DON'T like it.
Maths, Physics, Chemistry are good. I like them. But I don't love them. I don't enjoy solving books and books filled with Calculus problems. Neither do I smile when I see millions of organic reactions.
I don't feel like doing Math when I am upset, I feel like painting.
I don't feel like solving Physics when I am tired of life, I feel like writing.
I feel like pouring my thoughts into the paper and then when I am done, I smile. I look at it and Smile. Satisfaction.
I saw the movie '3 Idiots' 6 times.
Why?
Because I thought Mum would understand the meaning. Mum would understand that this is not where I belong. That this is not what I wanna do.
I don't want to go through the same ordeal that millions and millions of students are going through. I don't wanna become an Engineer. I don't wanna go work for some goddamn MNC.
I want my life to be something good. Something worth looking back at when I am in my dying stages. They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die. I don't want it to be something I'd regret looking back at.
Please.
Sigh.
As I end this post and publish it, I know nothing is gonna change. I will shut my lappie or maybe play some songs on the ancient WMP, open my Math text and start studying because I don't wanna disappoint her. I want her to be proud of me.
Because I love her.
P.S. : I'd given up my Orkut/Facebook/Blogger password till March but I couldn't resist.
@T.L. Sorry. You have every right to change the password again and this time I won't click on 'I forgot my password.'
